not exactly practicing what i preach

see, we have autumn in california, too.

it takes a lot more energy to hate than it does to love, or even just be indifferent. my fatigue is a big reason why i've slowly started to forgive people i never thought i'd be able to--perhaps not the most noble sentiment, but an honest one at least.

over the last few years, i've also realized that once i can accept people's limits--whether considering what they are capable of as my friends, or just as human beings--everything is just so much clearer, simpler, and mostly better. i'm an incurable idealist, and i have the tendency to expect a LOT from people, which can just lead to so much disappointment. i get crippled by my disappointment at times, and resentful, and i hold grudges. terrible grudges.

once i began to accept the people around me for who they are and not who i want them to be, i was able to begin loving my friends more fully, and without reservation. and on the same note, i saw that it's okay to let go of pain, of betrayal, and just stop hating. i'm not perfect, and definitely not a saint, so i haven't exactly been able to apply my new philosophy to every painful situation.

there is one person--and this is really hard for me to admit--who i think about often (somewhere between daily and weekly), who i just wish would disappear from my consciousness. i wish i could find it in me to write a letter, to apologize and forgive. but i don't think i'm capable of that right now. or maybe ever.


  1. I struggle a lot with forgiveness too, so I hear ya.

    I also admit to being very curious as to whom you feel such strong animosity towards.

  2. i wouldn't call it animosity, exactly (though that's definitely a part of it), but more a very strong desire to be free of the idea of this person.