where i was vs. where i wish i were

i've really been wanting to go to the monterey bay aquarium and visit the jellyfish. if only i could have gone yesterday, instead of working at a party for people so wealthy that i felt disgusting doing the work i did. there is no such thing as moderation in their world, and being essentially a 6-year old child housed in a 28-year old's body, i had a really hard time myself. i ate so much candy i think i am still on a sugar high. blech.

i sometimes think that when i leave restaurants, and begin to work more seriously on writing, i can support myself by doing more of this uberfancy catering for the rich and famous. but it is such soul-sucking work that i think i'd be left with less inspiration to write than i have even now. in many ways, it's doing exactly the opposite of what i want to be doing. yuck. and, even though it's not exactly my goal to be rich and famous myself, when you work for them, even if you make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year (as some cooks i know do), you still work for them. you're not one of them. you're not at the party, you're cleaning up after the party. i'd rather not spend the rest of my life (or the bulk of it) being someone's servant, no matter how much i get paid.

soon, soon, i will go see the jellies. anyone want to come?


  1. It's really tough to walk on the margins like that, and I wish money made people kinder, but it does not. It seems to be an entirely mutually exclusive relationship.

    p.s. I'm glad to hear you made it through the job without a "bad hand" story.

  2. Hey, cool lady.

    You and I are walking similar paths. You, food. Me, snipehunting. For both of us to do what we love, we need rich patrons, and there's a feeling about serving them that is off-putting. You're in that world, but not part of it. When your business is someone else's leisure and luxury, you are always watching other people when they're relaxed and when you're "on duty." It's hard.

    But it lets you devote your life to something you love and you can do at a high level. There's value in that, and (I am hopeful) there's a way to do that with dignity -- as a consultant, not as a "servant." People admire expertise and discipline and passion. Rich people admire it, too. There's a path for you in this world that will let you do what you love and get paid for your passion and expertise, I'm sure of it.

  3. i'll be in monterey for the first half of next week. come down and stay with me and we'll go see the jellies.

    ps the word verification word below is fraoqnsx, which i can hear in my head and sounds german.

  4. i saw kelly today and she told me that you might come in on sat. what if we go to her party together, i go down to carmel with you on sat night/sun morning and come back sunday night? i havehavehave to work on monday and weds, so i can't go too far away then.

  5. i'm so jealous that you guys are together and i'm so far away.

    turns out i can't change my flight, so i'll be coming in on sunday night. i invited kelly to come down after christmas, don't know if they're coming yet, but you should totally come down if they do.

    bqlqdgfk = buck lick dog f**k

  6. sad! i was really hoping we could go to the party together.

    it's ok--we'll see each other soon.

    love you.