i can't sleep

there is just so much going through my head. i can't deal with it all, and my body is spazzing out. awesome.

and now, even though i can't remember ever being this tired, i can't sleep.

my heart is officially broken. for my uncle, my family, myself. for my sister, who went through this twenty-six years ago as a child. for my grandmother, who sits home and cries uncontrollably, feeling helpless. for my cousins, who now face something no one ever dared imagine. this is the saddest time i have ever known.

i can pretend to be happy about silly little things, i can pretend to focus on work, i can try to smile at the thought of my friends visiting. but behind it all, i see my uncle's face. it's all i can see. it's all i can think about. i don't know what to do.